"A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar. They're worth so much more after I’m a goner"

Its been less than a year now since my Cousin died.  I did not tell many people about it happening because for a long time I could not think about any of it without hurting.  I still have days when thinking of him makes me cry so I have to try that much harder to move on.  My cousin, Paul, was a couple of years older than I am. I was closer to him than most people were.  The last time we ever talked he thanked me for loving him for just being him, not many people did.  My cousin made a lot of mistakes in his life and those mistakes at times hurt, confused and disregarded other people.  He was working on his life slow but sure.  Paul was always mischievous, he was my older cousin who was so cool to me growing up.  Paul died last summer in a car accident.  Both he and the girl driving were drunk and my Cousin died.  I think how he died is what makes this harder on me.  If he would have died from an illness or something else I think it would have been better in my mind.  I just cannot bring myself to forgive him.  He should not have gotten in a car with a drunk driver regardless of his own sobriety.  I feel like his bad choice ripped him out of our lives and its not fair.  I hate thinking ill of the dead and I try to just think of the good times but that bitterness keeps sneaking in.  I know I need to forgive him.  I miss him and it makes my heart ache knowing he left behind my beautiful Godson, Owen.  His son will never know his father, not like I did.  I still have not went to Paul's grave.  I keep making excuses for myself just so I do not need to let those feelings out, but the time has come to release the grip of bitterness on my heart.  I never lost anyone close to me before and losing my Cousin changed the way I look at everything.  I do not want to lose anyone else before their time.  I really love more now, and try harder.  I just wish I could make some of the other loved ones I have understand that we could lose each other in a moment.  To many people that I love and would do anything for fight and carry bitterness.  I wish they could understand that things change and we need to hold onto every second we  have together.  I would give anything to have 5 minutes with Paul.  I can only hope that the ones I love know that I love them and if something would ever happen to me they know they meant everything to me.  I guess it all comes down to, life is to short to hate, fight or hold bitterness in your heart.  Be thankful for what you have and love as much as you can.