Love, Honor, Commitment

When I was a child I never grew up thinking love was a fairytale.  I knew someday I would find the man I loved but that love is work.  I paid close attention to my parents, grandparents, and aunts and uncles.  I watched the good and bad times for everyone.  I saw my parents feed off each others love for each other.  It amazed me.  They hate to even be away from each other, and they were always happier together.  They always have kissed goodbye when they leave each other and think about the other when they are gone.  But all the love in a relationship like parents does not mean a lack of struggle or bad times.  I have seem them fight, cry, struggle, and fall apart.  But the thing about my parents, is that they always find a way to work through what life throws at them and they love each other still.  I have seen things plague many couples around me and some don't always pull out of the situations very well.  I have seen couples who lost their love and stay together out of commitment.  I have seen couples divorce, and I have seen couples still fighting to find their way.  Love is a tricky thing.  Love can bring so much happiness but it can cause the most pain.  When you love someone you put your heart in their hands.  They hold the power to disappoint you, support you, lift you up and make you cry.  To marry that person is to promise to to commit that love forever.  I am thinking all of this today because I have been reading my Facebook and noticing people who don't seem to understand love and the commitment of marriage.  Now don't get me wrong, I have only been married nearly 4 years.  I'm not an expert.  The experts among us have been married 50 years and still kiss goodnight before bed.  But my 4 years of experience make me want to hope that the people who need to know what marriage is find out.  I am 23 years old and I have seen at least 4 people my age married and divorced already.  These people have told me they rushed into the marriage for the wrong reasons.  It breaks my heart to know the statistics associated with divorce in our country, and I am seeing it happening to people my age.  A few of the people I know who divorced this young have talked to me about it.  They talk to me about a love that is like a fairytale.  The PERFECT spouse. But then I shake my head knowing there is no such thing.  I am not perfect, I never will be.  As individuals we are all not perfect, so what makes people think that after marriage the couple will be perfect?  Is your boyfriend or fiance a coward when they face their parent, even if their parent treats you horribly?  Do you really think a wedding ring around his finger will instantly make him cherish and protect you from that?  Does your girlfriend constantly put you down? Do you think after she weds she will honor you?  Now with this logic no one should get married.  But its alright to get married if you both go into the marriage wanting to change the imperfections and love honor and cherish your spouse.  It takes work, fights and tears.  You are going to go to bed angry sometimes and wonder what tomorrow will bring.  But if you put in the work at the end of the tunnel you and your spouse will be stronger.  The best advice I can give a couple getting married, go to marriage counseling.  Learn the skills you need to grow as a couple and individuals.  Spend time discussing what you want from life.  How many children? Do you want to live near family, across the country? Make sure you can make a plan for your life.  Make each other your first priority.  Take your time and find your intended match.  I have been lucky to find my husband.  We compliment each other.  But I will never claim we are perfect.  No one is perfect.  My husband has things about him that drive me nuts and there are things I do that drive him nuts but we know they exist and work on them for each other.  It will take time, and we will go through ups and downs as we have for 4 years but we Love, Honor and are Committed to each other.  Don't be in love with love, be in love with yourself, your spouse and God.   

Tears of a Mother

We all cry for our children.  For many reasons we cry, we cry for their pain, heartache, mistakes, triumphs and sickness.  I will never know the tears cried by a mother of a child dying, God willing, or a mother crying because her child has down syndrome or Autism or some other life changing illness.  But something very few people will share with me are the tears involved with a deaf child.  As a hearing mother to a deaf daughter I struggle with a lot.  I struggle with why God did not let my daughter be hearing, and I have honestly hates him for it at times.  I struggle looking into her future and seeing her struggle day to day.  But I will get into all of this into detail later on, for now I want to go back and tell you the beginning. Baby girl J was not officially known to be deaf until 4 months old.  This is a late diagnosis in this age.  After seeing multiple doctors and doing tests we finally got the news.  I cried.  I sat on the floor of the doctor's office crying.  I thought of so much and I cried all the way home on a 2 hour drive.  I remember crying again when they re-tested her and she went from moderate and severe hard of hearing to Severe hard of hearing and profoundly deaf.  We were told she might have a progressive loss that will continue to deteriorate.  These are all major moments when I cried.  As a mother it is hard to carry a child for 9 months and protect them only to find something went wrong.  The doctor's can not tell us why she is Deaf but that they know it is not genetic or something I caused in pregnancy.  Every mother wants her child to be perfect, when you find out something like hearing is not present you need to learn a new perfect.  No one, not even my husband knows all the tears I have cried for my daughter.  He takes things day by day but I worry about tomorrow.  I worry about her tomorrow.  I am a stay at home mom who sees her every move every day.  I see her fly and fall.  My daughter is now 2.5 years old and wears high powered hearing aids.  She does some talking and is first language American Sign Language.  She says Mama, Dad, Bye Bye and other words perfectly but most of her words are only understood by a few people.  Ice cream has become I Kee.  The word Sheep is Shhhhee.  My daughter uses what is known as Total Communication.  She learns ASL and speech and uses them both to communicate with people.  I am so happy she can do what she does with her speech but I cry thinking about this.  At this point in a public school environment, she will need a translator.  This could make it harder for her to become close with friends or boyfriends.  I see her struggle even at this age.  Most of her friends and cousins do not have the patience or understanding to talk to her.  I cry because this information is forcing a choice for us to send her to a Deaf school or a public school.  I cry because I do not want to choose wrong and subject her in the future to the wrong education, social environment or bullying. I cry when I see my daughter struggle.  She has to focus more than other children to listen and hear causing her to become cranky and upset.  She has to learn the sign and sound of words using a device only partially working for her in certain environments.  I feel bad she has to work so hard to learn when speech comes so easy to other children.  I cry when I see other people's children the same age as mine talking full sentences.  I get angry at God because my daughter cannot do that yet and her tantrums and discipline are harder because she cannot hear.  Its hard to tell your child not to kick when neither of you know the ASL sign yet and she cannot hear or understand the word fully.  Sometimes I cry because she does something amazing and says a word she just learned nearly perfect and she smiles so big! Very few parents experience the joy and equally stressful worry of watching your child talk word by word and seeing your toddler's face light up in pride.  I sit up at night frantically searching articles about Deafness or learning ASL. I do not want to make the wrong choice and fail her.  Family and friends try to tell us what to do with her, sending us videos of children signing, or speaking with a Choclear Implant, or another article about Deaf culture, But many fail to see how big of an issue this is.  I know they are trying to help but they tend to not do the research or fully understand our child's situation.  Not everyone is Deaf or Hearing.  There is a spectrum for speech and hearing specific to each person. We have been asked 100 times by friends and family, "why not get a Cochlear Implant?", but many people are uneducated on the device.  I wonder every day if we should get it for her and have researched it and will continue to do so.  Are Cochlears a good device for some people, of course!  But Jasmine's hearing in her one ear may possibly be slightly to good by 15 points to keep her from the surgery.  She falls into a crack where hearing aids are working to some point and has a small bit of hearing but it is so bad she misses a lot.  The CI does not fix hearing like some magic wand.  Children with it do not hear like a hearing child.  It sounds computerized.  Is it fair to take away the hearing my daughter has and replace it with something different than she has been hearing with for 2.5 years? What if it is and we do not do it?  She cannot get am MRI or play contact sports with the CI.  Its expensive and life altering.  It might be the miracle fix to her deafness or it might not change anything.  And like hearing aids, the CI cannot be used in water so in the bathtub or pool she is still deaf and needs ASL.  Her situation could go either way because her hearing is on the line for the surgery.  I cry because all these questions plague my thoughts every day.  I wish she would wake up tomorrow and talk more, it could happen, but it might not.  She might use ASL her whole life and only talk sometimes.  But with all the questions and tears I bear every day it all comes down to one thing in my head.  Does she need fixing? Is she broken?  Is this how she is meant to be?  My daughter has made it 2.5 years using hearing aids and ASL and is an amazing child.  Because she slows down to hear and watch the world she sees things others don't.  She sees emotions on my face when others can't.  When I am sad she asks me about it even when an entire room of people miss it on my face.  She sees bugs and she stops to talk to them when other people miss and step on them.  My daughter is so happy and learning every day. Sometimes, beyond all the questions of her future, her options and her struggles, I cry.  I cry because she is so wonderful and I am full of joy watching her amaze me every day.  I know there are a lot of uncried tears, questions to answer and choices to make in my future but I hope someday my daughter knows how my heart is with her every step of the way.

Taking a Chance

So Its been a while since I posted.  We have been so busy as a family but things are slowing down finally.  We moved, Jon started a new job and life got hectic.  I am now 8 months pregnant and hitting the point of extreme fatigue.  I have been bored so started learning some craft items that have always intrigued me.  I successfully have been making an inventory of hair bows, bath salts and custom blankets.  I started a business via a Facebook page recently and really hope it works out.  I would love to bring in a small income to help out our family and to give me a hobby doing something I enjoy.  Once I master these things in my business and start to have a fan base who starts buying I am hoping to add some other projects that I have been dabbling in, tutus, small newborn to 8yr old neck ties, button jewelry and doll blankets.  Lets just hope the business takes off, I would hate to see another thing I want to do not work out.  I have been trying to get into home day care for a couple years now but cannot find children to watch even while offering great prices.  Right now all I can do is take a chance and try and fly. Lets hope it works!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

I feel like there is a huge amount of disrespect amongst people in this world.  I also feel like people think respect is something it is usually not. To start I want to list the dictionary meaning of the word respect.

Respect is to:
hold something in esteem or honor, to show consideration for or to refrain from interfering with





To many people do not uphold the above. But to have a functioning and happy friendship or even interaction involves both people in the relationship to have respect for each other.  To many people do not realize that respect needs to exist in all relationships.  It needs to be in the relationships of the: boss-employee, husband-wife, parent-child, friend-friend, daughter in law-mother in law, brother to brother...etc

After respect is working in a relationship then and only then can trust, love and understanding grow.  So that said what is respect, beyond the dictionary's take on it.  Respect is understanding someone may be different or similar to you but they are who they are, and accepting that.  Its understanding that things about someone may bring you close but also may create a friction point for you but respect is to let it go or embrace it if acceptable.  Respect is showing kindness and caring for everything a person may be.  And lastly respect is knowing that each person has the right and free will to make their own choices.  If you disagree with how someone may be functioning as a person respect is understanding that people have the right to be that way unless they are endangering themselves or others.


So to understand all of this I thought I would come up with some examples:

-If your employee does his work in a different way but works hard and gets the job done correctly/isn't hurting anything then respect his strategies. (you might learn something!)
-If your wife needs to talk, let her and be there for her. Respect her need for your time.
-If your child needs some privacy do not read their diary.  Those are their thoughts on paper not a book for you! (build trust!)
-If your friend does not like football respect that and do not beg them to watch the game with you, go rollerblading next Sunday instead.
-A Mother In Law can respect that her Son's house is his and can respect her Daughter in Law's house keeping without critique
-A brother can respect that his brother does not eat Chinese food so he suggests going out for burgers instead for their weekly guys night

With a little time and caring anyone can treat other people with Respect and in turn make others feel appreciated!

6 Reasons to Have a child

Lately I have reminded myself why I love being a parent, I thought writing them down would keep them in perspective for me and others.

1) You will never laugh more than when your child is playing
2) Watching your child sleeping next to you like a beautiful doll will melt any heart
3) When you need a hug they are always there staring at you ready with open arms
4) They teach you the patience you need to get through life
5) You have the best reason to live for: Your child needs you and you need them
6) Your house is never quiet but full of laughter and life

So a little Devil's advocate, 6 reasons not to have kids:

1) You will not only come in contact with but have to clean up every known bodily fluid at some point
2) You can't own nice things because milk, paint, crayon and other staining objects are always being used
3) There are nights you will not sleep, have to get up every 2 hours, stay up late, get up at 5am because children get sick, scared or run on their own clock.
4) Spontaneous trips or outings are impossible because the diaper bag, high chair, crib need to be packed and you need to drive home for blankey if it is forgotten
5)Goodbye Prime Time TV: Hello Barney, Blue's Clue's, Pooh Bear and Veggie Tales
6) You do not get to rest in bed and have someone take care of you when you are sick, you need to be making soup for the sick child no matter how you feel

Either way, I think the reasons to have a child are way better than the reasons not to.  I am thankful I get to experience all of these things everyday!

Our path

My daughter Jasmine is different than most children.  There are a lot of people I know who do not know that.  We do not advertise it because we fear people will not understand.  Jasmine was born Hard of Hearing, also known as HOH.  She is just slightly below being deaf.  She has a bilateral congenital hearing loss.  She is considered to have a moderate loss in her right ear and a moderate severe loss in her left.  Her hearing loss is not quite at the point for Cochlear implants but she wears hearing aids.  Jasmine knows sign language (recognizing over 30 signs and using 8 herself).  She was born deaf and as far as we know it is not genetic.  When we found out she was deaf I cried.  I cried because of so many things.  I cried because she may never talk correctly, her hearing could get worse over time, she may never like music or singing.  I cried because the financial burden for us and her for the rest of her life will always have 6,000$ hearing aids as part of the budget.  I cried because school is hard enough without being different.  We have now known she is HOH for over a year now.  I no longer cry and I see such amazing things out of her.  She is different than other children because of her hearing loss but it has also caused her to be amazingly special.  She takes the time to think and understand quicker than children her own age.  She is so smart, knowing the sign language she knows.  She used to hate her hearing aids.  She would throw them and hide them but now she understands them.  She asks to wear them and checks if they are in.  We all have embraced this different path we were put on and its turning out alright.  I just wish other people would understand.  This last week a woman walked up to Jasmine and I to see the cute baby.  She looked at her, stopped and said, "Oh my gosh! She has hearing aids? That's so sad!".  She then stared at us for 20 seconds with pity in her eyes.  I wanted to level that woman. I wanted to teach her some manners!  I have worked hard and will continue to work hard to teach my daughter that her hearing loss is nothing to pity.  Everyone is different and this just makes her different too.  I have worked with special needs children for 3 years now and hated seeing people giving them pity but when it was my own child I wanted to attack.  I can only hope Jasmine learns to deal with those people and realize she can be anything she wants to be.  There are deaf actresses, teachers, athletes and so much more.  They worked harder but they are better for it.  The other thing that drives me crazy with all of this is the people we know, family and friends.  We have gotten so many comments on what to do that I on many occasions had to slow myself down so no one got hurt.  I know people have good intentions but I hate being told how to mother and I hate even more being told how to deal with hearing loss in my own child.  We have had many people tell us the right way when they are not the ones on the front lines.  We have been told hearing aids were a waste of money because prayer will fix her.  We have been told she can just lip read because that's how they used to do it.  We have been told she might grow out of it.  We have been told sign language is a waste of time.  I know the people who say these things have good intentions but from where I am standing I need to do everything to give Jasmine the best life I can with the most intervention if needed.  Can God heal? Yes, but sometimes he lets things happen for a reason.  I know there is a bigger plan here and I just need to trust God knows what is happening.  If he chooses to randomly heal her than great, if not we need to be prepared for her life and give her the things she needs.  In the deaf community lip reading is used but it is used during signing most of the time.  Now a days most people do not just learn to lip read there is so many other ways.  Can she grow out of this? Again who knows but the medical knowledge we have is showing us she will not.  I choose not to walk around with misguided hope.  I just focus on what we know.  And sign language, if it was not for her using her hands for communication we would have no clue what she wanted.  All I know is she is a beautiful little girl who although she has a hearing loss loves to sing, dance, and sometimes slow down to look at a flower.  And that is the best path for us right now.    

"A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar. They're worth so much more after I’m a goner"

Its been less than a year now since my Cousin died.  I did not tell many people about it happening because for a long time I could not think about any of it without hurting.  I still have days when thinking of him makes me cry so I have to try that much harder to move on.  My cousin, Paul, was a couple of years older than I am. I was closer to him than most people were.  The last time we ever talked he thanked me for loving him for just being him, not many people did.  My cousin made a lot of mistakes in his life and those mistakes at times hurt, confused and disregarded other people.  He was working on his life slow but sure.  Paul was always mischievous, he was my older cousin who was so cool to me growing up.  Paul died last summer in a car accident.  Both he and the girl driving were drunk and my Cousin died.  I think how he died is what makes this harder on me.  If he would have died from an illness or something else I think it would have been better in my mind.  I just cannot bring myself to forgive him.  He should not have gotten in a car with a drunk driver regardless of his own sobriety.  I feel like his bad choice ripped him out of our lives and its not fair.  I hate thinking ill of the dead and I try to just think of the good times but that bitterness keeps sneaking in.  I know I need to forgive him.  I miss him and it makes my heart ache knowing he left behind my beautiful Godson, Owen.  His son will never know his father, not like I did.  I still have not went to Paul's grave.  I keep making excuses for myself just so I do not need to let those feelings out, but the time has come to release the grip of bitterness on my heart.  I never lost anyone close to me before and losing my Cousin changed the way I look at everything.  I do not want to lose anyone else before their time.  I really love more now, and try harder.  I just wish I could make some of the other loved ones I have understand that we could lose each other in a moment.  To many people that I love and would do anything for fight and carry bitterness.  I wish they could understand that things change and we need to hold onto every second we  have together.  I would give anything to have 5 minutes with Paul.  I can only hope that the ones I love know that I love them and if something would ever happen to me they know they meant everything to me.  I guess it all comes down to, life is to short to hate, fight or hold bitterness in your heart.  Be thankful for what you have and love as much as you can.